But if death is my fate, then I accept it with dignity.” Letting GoĪs death nears, many people feel a lessening of their desire to live longer. May it come to pass that I may be healed. The Jewish prayer of the gravely ill puts it well for both the person who is ill and the loved ones caring for him/her: “I do not choose to die. Often, as an illness progresses to an advanced stage, two seemingly incompatible ideas may arise in our minds. As death comes closer, the family may hope for a restful night, or another visit with a particular friend, or just a quiet passing from this life to whatever we hope follows it. Both the person who is ill and the caregiver might also experience resentment, guilt, sadness, and anger at having to do what neither wants to do, namely face death and dying.Įven in facing death, hope remains. Fears arise, and may be so strong that they are hard to think about or even admit to: fear of change, of the dying process, of what happens after death, of losing control, of dependency and more. For example, the person may or may not want to reconcile with estranged family members or friends. The person who is ill will want to be with loved ones, and may also feel a sense of responsibility towards them, not wanting to fail them nor cause them grief. When we realize that the end of life may be approaching, other thoughts and feelings arise. Robert Frost said, “In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It goes on.” Even in difficult times, it is our nature to hold on for better times. We do not so much decide to go on living, as find ourselves doing it automatically. We feel attachments to loved ones, such as family members and friends, and even to pets, and we do not want to leave them. We experience this as desires for food, activity, learning, etc. Humans have an instinctive desire to go on living. This is a time to seek the answers that most respect the person experiencing advanced stages of an illness. All along the way, there are few, if any, right or wrong choices. Finally, it presents ideas on how to go about making the decisions when the time comes. This fact sheet presents principal concerns, then discusses planning ahead, and some of the related matters that come up during chronic illness. Planning ahead gives the caregiver and loved ones choices in care and is most considerate to the person who will have to make decisions. In caring for someone with memory loss, it is important to have the conversations as soon as possible, while he/she is still able to have an informed opinion and share it. The opinions of the dying person are important, and it is often impossible to know what those beliefs are unless we discuss the issues ahead of time. Exploring these issues ahead of time will allow a person with a chronic illness to have some choice or control over his or her care, help families with the process of making difficult decisions, and may make this profound transition a little easier for everyone concerned. This fact sheet discusses the normal shifting emotions and considerations involved in holding on and letting go. However, as an illness advances, “raging against the dying of the light” often begins to cause undue suffering, and “letting go” may instead feel like the next stage. And holding on to life, to our loved ones, is indeed a basic human instinct. Our culture tells us that we should fight hard against age, illness, and death: “Do not go gentle into that good night,” Dylan Thomas wrote.
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